Flip Flops Instead of Sneakers
True stories of trauma in women
by
gail herrschaft
To Dennis:
Whose love was real and unconditional
1953-2001
Native American wisdom:
An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "a fight is going on in my heart...it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other stands for: joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
The same fight is going on in your hearts, and in the hearts of every other person, too.”
The grandchildren thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied..."The one you feed."
~ Anonymous
Lost in the Past
Who is this woman I used to call mom
The person that caused me so much harm
Who berated and criticized
Now I can’t look into her eyes
She is a stranger in all respects
An empty shell with no prospects
Sitting in a dirty room
Smoke surrounding her like a plume
Disappearing into a cloud
Only to return wearing a shroud
The havoc she once wreaked
The answers I still seek
Are hidden behind an empty mask
She deteriorated much too fast
The life she chose for her family
She’s still responsible she just can’t see
The pain and torment won’t let me be
The memories that quickly faded
Yes I may be a bit jaded
Musing about things from the past
Recollections that never last
A brief look into an old existence
The need to remember is insistent
What shaped my world I desire to overlook
Its like turning pages in a bad book
Seeing but not comprehending
This search of mine is never ending
Trauma
Mary was raised on an Indian reservation. She was the product of her father who was 100% Mohegan and her mother who was 50% Native American. Her father began molesting her when she was a child. The abuse continued until Mary, in her teenage years left the reservation and moved to Spokane. The climate for Native American’s in the early 1900’s was one of prejudice and loathing. Mary had enough Caucasian blood that she was able to deny her Mohegan heritage, she was a beautiful woman, with wavy dark hair and deep set eyes. In her short lifetime, Mary became an aficionado of pain. A connoisseur, of receiving and inflicting physical, emotional and spiritual sorrow.
As Mary struggled to make a life for herself, the feeling of displacement was so powerful, it threatened her very being. She could not get away from the images of youth. Unlike children that bury horrific things in their psyche, Mary remembered every brutal detail, as if it were yesterday. Mary a young woman, met Mickey, a man a bit older than she. Thinking he would be her salvation, they married. The marriage was a failure, Mary who lived in her own private hell, thought Mickey would be glad to join her there.
The arguments and physical abuse were something Mary was used to, in fact took comfort in. Mickey on the other hand, wanted only love and peace in his life.
Mary found out she was pregnant and was joyful. Was it possible this child would make the difference she was longing for? Would she finally receive the unconditional love she so desired? To Mary love was just a fleeting thought. Would this baby be her salvation, or another nightmare? Mary, who’s mind thought pain was normal, was a disturbed young woman. As much as she tried to forget the past, the flashbacks of her childhood were with her always, making her paranoid and suspicious. When Patricia was born, Mary felt the hope of a new day.
Would she be able to love this child, in a way that was foreign to her? Could she show Patricia what love was, love without hurt or pain? She also had to think of her husband Mickey, a good man, the kind of man she’d never knew existed.
All in all Patricia faired well, even though Mary was a mean and spiteful woman. Mickey knew he could no longer stay with Mary. She was sullen and angry. She had inner demons, which he didn’t know how to handle. When Patricia was four, Mary was once again with child. She and Mickey moved to San Francisco to have the child and to save what was left of their marriage. Mary a naive woman left Patricia with Mickey’s parents thinking it was temporary, she signed the temporary custody papers, or so she thought. In reality, she signed full custody over to her in-laws.
Robin was born into a world of insanity and pain. Mary would disappear within herself and not come out for days. Mickey could no longer stand to live this way. Feeling as though he was living in a war zone, he divorced Mary and left Robin to fend for herself. Mary was a mean spirited woman, when she found out she’d been tricked to sign papers giving Patricia away, she went into darkness and Robin was there to bear her wrath. Why Mickey left his youngest daughter at age 3 with Mary was a question Robin asked herself over and over again.
A word on intolerance:
Only 100 years ago in America -”the only good Indian was a dead Indian.”
America as a country tried to wipe Native Americans of the face of the earth. This is called genocide.
Junk
Who will take this life so unpredictable
The patterns of a new day
The similarities of days past
The essence of a lost soul
Of an indulgent and wasted life
The memories so vivid
The sadness so encompassing
The pain ever present
The mind full of trickery
The heart locked in a safe environment
Mysterious and deadly
Eyes not seeing
Ears deaf
The truth as bright as the sun
The reality burning the retina
Putting on blinders
Looking straight ahead
Never veering left or right
Struggling to wear the mask
No one can see the certainty
The suffering imposed on self
The negativity swirling
Unaware
Losing conscientiousness
More please
Resentment
Ellen had a fragile soul that was easily broken. Fear was her constant companion as she grew up she was always concerned with how people conceived her. She was brought up in an atmosphere of mistreatment, misjudgment and verbal abuse. It seemed to Ellen, the beatings her brothers endured were far better than the apprehension she lived with on a daily basis Always trying to escape the fury of her mother, she spent countless days and nights in complete terror of her surroundings.
As the insults spewed from her mother’s lips, she prayed for deaf ears so she could no longer hear the litany that assaulted her brain. Ellen was so delicate by the age of 5 that a sudden glance from her mother would send her into full panic. Ellen’s mother Peggy met her dad Bill in England during World War II and became engaged. In the 1940’s it was unheard of to break an engagement so at her mothers urging, Peggy was forced to marry Bill, a man she didn’t love. Moving to the United States, Peggy was completely isolated from her family. She embarked on a life of poverty and intolerance. Peggy had her first child, a boy and took him to her mother once again trying to leave Bill. Once again her mother made her go back, what resulted was a lifetime of alcoholism and addiction,
Peggy was a malicious and unpleasant woman. Not able to take her fury out on Bill, who was addicted to prescription pills, her children became her target. Peggy made her children’s lives a nightmare that lasted long after sleep was over. Any infringement of her regulations would result in dreadful bodily harm to the person responsible. Needless to say it was always Ellen’s brothers who shared most of the beatings. Ellen would hide under the bed and pray her mother didn’t find her. It wasn’t just the physical abuse of her brothers that haunted Ellen. Peggy and Bill fought constantly. The argument in the morning, as Bill left for work, was inevitably the quarrel of the evening when he came home. They argued day and night when Bill was home, which wasn’t very often. Bill opted to stay away from this woman he married. Ellen had brief respite, when Bill tired of the arguing he would take her for walks on Sunday mornings. Ellen loved Bill more than anyone, after all she was the only girl, the baby and Bill spoiled her terribly, much to her mothers discontent.
Why else would Peggy be compelled to tell Ellen at such a young age that she was a product of rape. Peggy’s words still sting in Ellen’s consciousness some 40 years later. The exact wording was “Your father raped me on New Years Eve and that’s how you were born.” I never had any intention of having another child.” Why would anyone say that to a 10 year old child, unless they were trying to break the child’s spirit, and broke it she did. The war of words between the two people Ellen loved, was more than she could tolerate. Ellen sought refuge in the lady across the hall, Mrs. Jones.
When the yelling and screaming became too much for Ellen, she would escape to Mrs. Jones’. The only problem was that the walls were thin; the bickering so abusive, you could hear it in Mrs. Jones’ apartment. Mrs. Jones, becoming one of Ellen’s defenders she would send her to the store or take her outside so Ellen didn’t have to hear her parents condemn each other. Ellen grew up thinking all families did this, even though she was scared out of her wits, it was all Ellen knew. Ellen was agonizingly shy, terrified of her mother and afraid for her brothers. Ellen wished she was invisible so as not to be noticed. The constant bickering of her parents was almost more than she could endure. The disputes were getting worse. Her father redefined the word jealousy, when Peggy was away longer than Bill intended, it was as if the gates of hell opened, these altercations, were endless to Ellen. Why did it have to be this way, this couldn’t be the way other family’s acted, could it? As time passed, Ellen grew apprehensive about being with her mother. When Ellen was 11, Peggy started working outside the home and the nightmare of Ellen’s life turned into torture.
Bill was more envious than ever. Constantly calling Peggy’s work to see what she was doing and who she was doing it with. It was about this time, Peggy started her first affair, it wouldn’t be her last. With the money Peggy made working, the family was able to move from a two-story walk-up with no bathtub to a two story house with a basement. Ellen was in her glory, finally feeling she was closer to becoming an equal to her peers. Living in an apartment all her life, having to take baths in a sink and the shame of her father being a janitor in the schools she attended seemed to fade away.
Ellen was finally able to bring friends home and not be embarrassed of where she lived. This sense of security didn’t last long. Although Ellen’s living conditions improved, the relationship with her parents grew to new proportions. The constant power struggle put Ellen on edge. How could she bring friends home to this atmosphere?
Every morning, every night, all day, every day the internal strife between her parents made the air so palpable it suffocated the very life in Ellen.
Peggy, still having affairs, decided she wanted a divorce. Bill was beside himself, he loved Peg with all his heart and he did anything he could to keep them together. This resulted in a long drawn out divorce that took 2 years to finalize. During those 2 years Ellen became more and more introverted. Leaving the house early every morning to escape the words of hatred aimed at Bill by her mother, Ellen who was now disenchanted with Peggy, still cared for Bill deeply. She hadn’t a clue the breaking point was near. It was June, Ellen was 13 and out of school for summer vacation. Bill worked the second shift and didn’t leave for work until 3pm. Ellen would get up early to start her day but Bill would not leave the child alone. He was constantly asking her to talk to her mother. Saying things like: “ You don’t want us to get divorced do you? Ask your mom to change her mind. Please talk to her for me.” The barrage was relentless. Ellen no longer able to take the onslaught and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, stayed in her room until Bill left for work. It didn’t matter if she was up for hours and didn’t have anything to eat. She could no longer take the mental assault; needless to say it was a long summer for the teenager. With her mom’s alcohol abuse accelerating at an amazing rate, her dad getting high on pills and her two brother’s coming home from the service in active addiction, things were spiraling out of control in Ellen’s life. Bill was so distraught about the divorce that he took an overdose of pills and alcohol, passing out in the bathroom. He laid there for hours. Why her mom didn’t call for help is a question Ellen still asks herself today. When one of her brothers finally got the bathroom door open, Ellen’s dad was pulled out and proceeded to fall down a flight of stairs; Peggy left him there.
In Peggy’s defense:
Peggy was born in 1927 in London, England. She came from a loving and happy family with 10 brothers and sisters.
In 1939, when England declared war on Germany and Peggy was 12.
In anticipation of the war, children in London were sent to the country to live on farms for their own protection. Peggy and her youngest siblings participated in this program. Peggy and 2 of her younger sisters were sent to a farm where they were required to work and do what the owner told them. No one really knows the tribulations these children were put through. After 9 months, London remained free from aggression and the children were allowed to return to their families. In the winter of 1940, London was being bombed in earnest. In The Blitz, London was bombed almost every night for 9 months. We now find Peggy and her family, in the midst of the violence. The air raids continued, throughout the war. During the years of 1941 and 1944, the bombs rarely fell. Throughout the war Germany was developing rockets with which to attack London. The rockets arrived in 1944 and bombarded London again. This intimidation lasted till 1945 when the allied forces declared victory. Peggy met Bill, an American GI, and was engaged. When it came time for her to get married she discovered she didn’t love him. Peggy’s mother insisted she marry Bill. Peggy was then whisked away to Clifton, New Jersey. There she was met with a mother-in-law who hated her. She berated Peggy and told her she was from the slums of London. Peggy and Bill lived in her house for over a year. In 1947, Peggy and Bill had a child, 10 months after they were wed. Peggy still miserable in her marriage tried to leave Bill once again. She took her son to London to her family, who once again sent her back to Bill. To Peggy this was the ultimate betrayal, feeling alone, she reluctantly returned to Bill. Peggy living in a foreign country, feeling her family didn’t want her and married to a man she didn’t love, was despondent. Living through the bombing of London, Peggy was traumatized. Peggy as an adult, suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a feeling of displacement and depression.
All of these psychological tribulations attributed to the dreadful treatment of her children.
The arguments soon became physical. With knives being pulled and things being thrown, it was a weight too heavy for Ellen to carry alone. One morning Ellen was awakened by the usual arguing, to find Bill in the kitchen with a knife to Peggy’s stomach. She begged her dad to stop but he wouldn’t, screaming curses and threatening to stab Peggy. One of her brothers hearing the commotion came down stairs with a gun threatening to shoot Bill, it was no big deal to Ellen, it was just another sound of the alarm clock. Ellen did the only thing she could to escape, she started drinking at age 13. She didn’t have to hide it; Peggy thought it was amusing. It was good to Ellen, it helped her flee the reality of her life. While drinking, Ellen no longer had to think. The world became a gentler place and she loved it. She became a first class drinker just like her mom and brothers. Ellen was 13, going to bars and being served. By 14 she was taking pills; by 15 she was smoking weed; by 16 she was taking acid and by 17 she was injecting drugs in her veins. All this in a unsuccessful attempt to stop the indescribable and unprocessed emotions she lived with always.
The divorce was final and the house that Ellen loved so much was put up for sale. Once again her family minus Bill moved into an apartment.
Ellen had to grow up fast. Peggy worked 2 jobs to make ends meet. Ellen, being the only girl had to care for her older brothers. She cooked, cleaned and did laundry, while her mother worked and everyone in the house partied. She made friends with people like her, other teens that drank and used drugs. Ellen no longer felt out of place. She actually had people in her life that didn’t care if her mom was a shrew and her parents were divorced. Life as Ellen came to know it was fine. No longer did the words of Peggy slice through Ellen’s soul, she soon found that the higher she became the less she cared. She was without supervision and Peggy was a caricature of the woman that petrified Ellen a few years before. Fear, once mistaken for respect, was no longer an issue to Ellen. After all, she was invincible was she not? When Ellen put drugs and alcohol into her body it was without consequence. Peggy even let her and her friends get high at home so they wouldn’t get in trouble elsewhere.
Everyone thought her mom was cool, except Ellen. Ellen never forgot where she came from, never forgot the psychological torment she was put through, never forgot the words that stung like a slap in the face. These feelings are what drove Ellen, what devoured her, what kept her in active addiction. Ellen’s family moved from one apartment to another, seemingly getting evicted for the smallest thing. Ellen and her friends got intoxicated everyday and the landlords could no longer turn their heads or tolerate it. Ellen was in full-fledged addiction by the time she was 14. It turned her into a sociable and contented person, the kind of person she always wanted to be. No longer shy or feeling tormented, she became the life of the party. Without supervision and left to her own devices, she did what she wanted with no repercussions. Ellen and her associates stole Peggy’s car from time to time, leaving Peggy with no way to get to work. At times it would be days before they returned; thus was Ellen’s life. Fear turning into verbal abuse, turning into emotional torment and inevitably turning into full-fledged addiction that lasted 30 years. Ellen took the drugs and alcohol and ran with them. She loved them, she loved to party and she loved her get high partners. Ellen moved from state to state, hitchhiking a lot of the time. Everywhere she went she found drugs or drugs found her. There was no let up in Ellen’s repertoire. Drugs became her profession. She was a good employee. She never took a day off, she was never late and she never took a vacation. She showed up everyday ready and willing. She did things she said she’d never do to feed her habit. She was in full flight from the thoughts and visions of her childhood. A childhood that was snatched from her at an early age. She ran for a long time and in some ways is still running. Sometimes it takes all Ellen’s strength not to be consumed with hatred and resentment for the mother she feels destroyed her childhood.
Peggy continued to drink well into her seventies and on a drunken spree fell and broke her hip. Ellen was forced to look after a woman she despised and didn’t know. Peggy also began to lose her mind from the alcohol. She is a shell of the woman she used to be, no longer remembering the injustices she put her children through and no longer accessible for the answers Ellen seeks. Ellen faired better. After 30 years of being addicted she developed health problems and was forced to stop abusing substances to save her life. After being sober for 6 months Ellen recognized something wrong with her thinking. Seeking a therapist as suggested, she found she had a chemical imbalance in her brain resulting in bi-polar disorder. As Ellen looks back on her family she realizes that Peggy and Bill both had a mental problem along with several close family members. Bi-polar disease is hereditary. Seeing a therapist and physiatrist on a regular basis and taking medications as prescribed Ellen is doing well. Ellen is now in her 7th year of sobriety and the resentments of the past have been washed away with the passage of time and spirituality. She’s raised two children and is working to break the cycle of addiction in her family.
All at once life became unbearable for Robin, having to bear the brunt of her mothers rage, not only was Mary headed for divorce but her first born was taken away. Mary grew depressed and vicious, disappearing into herself, it was as if she was not of this world. Hence, Robin was forced into a position of having to take care of herself and Mary. Robin at the age of 3 already knew something was terribly wrong. She loved her mother so much, after all Mary was all she had, but mom was distracted and wicked. Mary would go to another place, another time.
A time when all she knew and trusted was spoiled under the hand of a man using the guise of love to treat her as a sex object.
Mary started to take her aggressions out on Robin. Mary in a conscious state was sadistic and cruel. Treating Robin with forethought and malice, she would do unspeakable things to the young child, shaking her until she was as a rag doll, beating her with coat hangers and not allowing the child to call her mommy, instead insisting Robin call her Mary.
Robin, also learned to go inside her mind to find a safe place. She would sit alone in the corner for days. As the days turned to weeks Mary knew she had to do something about Robin. After all she was a dreadful child, too tall for her age. always demanding things Mary was unable to give. Love and nourishment were all the child desired, to Mary these small requests were unthinkable. Robin would sit quietly reading, always reading, as if she had a secret that would destroy them both. In reality Robin only wanted to be loved by this woman who was her mother. She was all Robin knew and she worshiped the ground beneath Mary’s feet.
Mary not knowing the solution, took Robin to the doctor. Since Robin was tall for her age, the doctor suggested Mary enroll her in school. At the age of 3 Robin started kindergarten in Catholic School. Mary would tell the nuns how dreadful and out of control Robin was, the nuns answer was to beat her everyday, sending her home to Mary who in turn continued to discipline the child. Mary was an equal opportunity abuser. She had no weapon of choice, but seemed to enjoy beating her child with a coat hanger, while shouting vicious words of insignificance and worthlessness. Robin was a bright child, always getting A’s, always at the top of her class, even though she was younger than the others. She was an avid reader and was happy to be away from Mary for even a short period of time. She learned and when she bought home good grades, Mary was less than impressed. Mary continued telling Robin how useless she was, making Robin feel unimportant and small. Mary was so consumed with the hatred inside she couldn’t give love, let alone receive it, then the real beatings started. Robin left to the whim of her mothers rage, was beaten unmercifully. Over the years Robin endured bruises, concussions and verbal abuse. The worst was the mental abuse. Robin was stifled to the point that she couldn’t speak to Mary, she couldn’t cry, she had no one to turn to for help. When Robin was 10 she started having terrible stomach pains. This went on for a few days when Mary decided to take her to the hospital. Mary took the 10-year-old child to the emergency room, dropped her off and went home. Robin had appendicitis, left to her own devices, she went through the hospitalization and operation alone. Mary never came to see her. When Robin was able to leave the hospital, she had no choice but to return to Mary. The abuse continued, Robin was frightened and confused.
Afraid to talk or show emotion, Robin descended into her own version of hell on earth that lasted 50 years. At the age of 13, Robin could no longer take the abuse dealt out by Mary.
It was Christmas in San Francisco; all were merry and gay. Mary-having one of her many episodes-tore the Christmas tree to pieces and threw all the unopened presents in the garbage.
No longer being able to take the pressure of living with Mary, Robin ran away. The teenager found herself in front of the detention center. She begged the deputy to take her in, telling herof the atrocities she’d faced at Mary’s hand. The deputy, feeling for the child had no choice but to call Mary to come pick up Robin. The detention center, after all was for girls that committed crimes. Robin did not meet the criteria of the center.
Mary came and took the teenager home. She endured the worst beating she’d ever received at the hands of Mary. Robin who was physically and mentally injured, made her way back to the detention center.
The deputy finding it hard to believe what happened to this child in such a short period of time, charged Robin with runaway and took her in, Robin felt safer than she’d ever felt before. To hear the door close and lock behind her, gave her a sense of security she never knew existed.
As in any legal system, the deputy was obligated to try and locate Robin’s father. Mickey was contacted a few days later and came to see his daughter. All this time Mary told Robin that Mickey was not her father, that she didn’t know Robin’s birth heritage. Mickey arrived and told the teen that he was indeed her father. He showed remorse for not taking both of his girls with him when he left Mary. Even though he was happily remarried with children or his own, including Patricia, Robin’s sister, he didn’t offer to take Robin home to his family. This was yet another blow to Robin’s self-image, he then placed Robin in foster care. This was almost more than the teenager, who just wanted to fit in with her family could bear. After 3 months in the center, they found her a home. She was used to the abuse at her mother’s hands, but this was entirely different. She was allowed to take a bath once a week and the water was measured to make sure she didn’t use too much. When Robin had her first menstruation, she was forced to use rags and rinse them out to use over and over again.
Robin had suffered many blows to her self-esteem, but this was more than she could bear. She returned to Mary, thinking abuse at the hands of someone she loved was better than abuse from strangers.
Robin managed to somehow survive. At age 16 she was coming home from school and was brutally raped. She was beaten senseless and left in an alley for hours. Robin was finally able to get up and make her way back to Mary. Mary was outraged when told what happened to her child, outraged to the point that she disowned Robin and threw her out in the street. Robin had witnesses to support her story but Mary turned a deaf ear to her child. The rapist was caught and the teenage testified against him. Mary being the stubborn and unfeeling woman she was, did not stand by her daughter and never went to court with her.
Once again Robin, who’d suffered so much at the hands of this woman was humiliated and disgraced, not knowing what to do she returned to detention. Robin was older now and the center wouldn’t take her.
Through the years Robin managed to make a few friends, not knowingwhat else to do she turned to her friends Jack and Gert and they lovingly took her in. Over the years Robin suffered such psychological and bodily harm, she was numb, still going to the safe place when life as she knew it became more than she could handle. Hiding in this world, she was out of harm’s way. Robin descended into the terrible cycle of depression, totally alone, this became the young woman’s life. Not knowing what to do, Robin joined the service, not long after she met her husband John.
Robin was so in love with this man. He was different from anything she knew, he was handsome, charming and seemed to love her. Robin left the service and they were married in Las Vegas. It wasn’t long before she was pregnant. John was sent overseas and once again Robin was alone. With child, Robin had no choice but to return to Mary. It seemed Mary had taken on a new perspective. She was decent to the daughter that was her punching bag for so many years, she stayed with her mom for 6 months. John returned, he tried to be a good husband, when in reality he was an alcoholic that abused Robin, but she stayed, after all this was her husband. To Robin this was a way of life, she knew nothing else, this was natural.
Even as depression and stress were eating her alive, she had 2 more children with John. She finally got tired, and left John to embark on a journey of her own. Alone with 3 children, Robin was a survivor. She’d undergone so much in her short life, she had no choice but to take a chance. Robin was more troubled than Mary. She turned to drinking to ease the pain. She became a full-fledged alcoholic. She tried her best for her children, even though she was so disheartened, she was hospitalized 3 times. In the institutions, they tried to deal with Robin’s depression. It didn’t matter what medication she was given Robin was too far-gone, nothing touched her. The damage in this woman’s life so easily passed on from Mary, was almost the demise of Robin. Still drinking heavily she could not pull herself out of the hole Mary pushed her into. After being incarcerated 3 times, Robin tried to find her way. How was she to do so when her life was built on fabrication?
Robin was 50 years old before she found out Mary was a Native American. Her entire person was based on dishonesty. Robin’s journey to find herself began. Moving from job to job, city to city she finally gained a sense of tranquility in Salt Lake City. Always striving to better herself, to never be as Mary. Robin’s voyage has become easier, as she discovers more about herself, she finds she is able to forgive Mary and be at peace with her. She’s learned to love herself as well as her sister Patricia.
It took Robin a long time to get there. It wasn’t until 3 years ago that she came to terms with what happened. No longer depressed and starting her own business, Robin is one of the lucky ones. Still scathed and scared Robin is a survivor.
The Stranger in 221B
You lie there alone
Your bitterness is your blanket
No one calls you on the phone
Do you ever ask yourself why
You raised your children with an iron fist
With selfishness and rage
You beat them and berated them
As if they were wild animals in a cage
Does it make you wonder
Why they are not there for you in your time of need
You see this child tries hard to break the cycle
And does not want to be called your seed
You retired 9 long years ago
You drank yourself sick
You sit in a chair and watch TV
This is killing you quick
I will not take your crap anymore
Even though you are my kin
You see as a child I didn’t have a choice
But now free will kicks in
Jealousy
Shelia is a 31 year old woman with one child. She cannot hold down a job, or keep a car or live in one place for more than 3 months. Shelia has no work ethics. She also believes she is more beautiful and intelligent than any person on earth. Spiteful and resentful she loafs her way through life, blaming everyone for her condition. She lives on handouts from family, friends and anyone else that crosses her path. She’s a cheater, a liar, a charlatan and a drug user. She hurts the ones closest to her. No one will sell her a car, rent her an apartment, or trust her with any financial holdings. Through her craftiness she manages to have these things anyway, always to the same ends. What made Shelia this way at such a young age?
Here is Shelia’s story:
Shelia was born in the desert, a flat wasteland of sand and yuccas, where the wind howling at night made you wish you’d chosen a different place to settle down. Her parents Edgar and Sunny were products of the 60’s, the peace and love generation. They missed the message. Both Edgar and Sunny were alcoholics and drug users. They knew each other since childhood and everyone who knew them knew they were meant to be. Theirs was a rocky romance full of infidelity, loathing and horror. The physical abuse each of them suffered at their spouses expense was shocking to those who knew and loved them. Moving to the desert was supposed to be a geographical fix for the both of them. Sunny became pregnant with Shelia in the early 70’s; much to her credit she quit drinking through the pregnancy. Shelia was a gift that just might cement their marriage. Shelia was a beautiful and good baby, sleeping through the night at 2 months, she was spoiled by her dad, her aunts and her grandma.
Sunny was in the habit of leaving Shelia with her grandma for extended lengths of time, which afforded her a chance to resume her drinking and drugging. No one seemed to mind this arrangement. When Shelia was 2, grandma moved to another state, this left Sunny without a permanent babysitter, the only solution was to follow grandma. As Sunny and Edgar settled in to a new life of drinking, drugging and abuse, grandma was still keeping Shelia. Things were going as well as could be expected until Edgar’s brother Grant decided to leave his desert paradise and move in with his brother and his wife. By that time Sunny gave birth to a second child, a child that no one believed belonged to Edgar, a child that looked nothing like the family, a blonde haired blue-eyed child that from the moment she was presented to the family, they knew that what they were thinking was correct. Sunny also continued to drink through the entire pregnancy and the child was born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Edgar’s brother Grant was a tall good-looking man that made women swoon at the sight of him; Sunny was no exception. Sunny and Grant started having an affair right under Edgar’s nose;
he didn’t have a clue. Grandma was still keeping the children, even though the resistance to baby sit the youngest child was ever present. By the time Sunny told Edgar of her plans to leave him for his brother Grandma had both children full time. While grandma loved Shelia she couldn’t warm up to her sister, Helen. Grandma was extremely upset about the turn of events and after a month of having both children every day she put her foot down and told Sunny she had to take Helen and raise her herself. Sunny and Grant grudgingly gathered Helen and took her home with them. Helen was raised believing Grant was her dad, Edgar was her uncle and Shelia was her cousin. In the meantime Grandma took great joy in raising Shelia. Edgar drank himself to sleep every night. Sunny and Grant beat each other up and continued to defy the laws of nature by getting as high as they could on anything they could. Helen didn’t fare well in this environment, she was equally mentally abused and ignored.
Edgar was tired of being alone and Grandma was tired of being a mother. Edgar took Shelia back and they began a journey down a path that can only be described as dark and muted. Edgar was totally wrapped up in his drinking and drugging. Shelia was alternately brow beaten and mistreated. Edgar met a woman on his job, Harriet, a fine upstanding woman, with no problem with substance abuse. She took Shelia in as her own, indeed Shelia took to Harriet and felt safe being with her. She never knew Sunny as a mother and never saw her which seemed to be a good arrangement for all. Harriet and Edgar moved in together and even though Edgar was still in his drinking career. Shelia found what she was always looking for a mom who didn’t yell and scream. A mom to love her unconditionally, to hug her and kiss her cuts and bruises. Shelia thrived in this environment. Edgar and Harriet married and had a child of their own, all was seemingly well to the outside world, but the reality was the total opposite. The home was full of turmoil, favoritism and drunkenness. Harriet now had a child of her own to love. Shelia was no longer the center of attention. Shelia used resentment and spitefulness to address her feelings.
Living with an alcoholic and two children became overwhelming to Harriet. She left Edgar taking her child and leaving Sheila behind. Shelia was 8 and the feelings of abandonment were almost more than the child could handle. Edgar still drinking and drugging was working the third shift, leaving Shelia alone at night. Shelia no longer able be an 8 year old child grew up with amazing velocity. Shelia became Edgar’s wife in all ways except in bed. She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, went grocery shopping and drove Edgar home on nights he was too intoxicated to drive. Harriet divorced Edgar and took him for everything he had (which wasn’t much). She took most of Edgar’s money for herself and her child. She never saw Shelia, who still considered Harriet her mama. Financial problems plagued Edgar. No longer able to pay rent or buy groceries, he turned to his mom to help and she came to the rescue as always. No one in the family could understand how Harriet could do this, knowing Edgar had to support Shelia. What a struggle it was for the two, having to do without. Edgar still managed to stay drunk most of the time.
His employer growing tired of his drunkenness. sent him to an alcohol rehab center. Edgar got clean and stayed that way. He started dating Harriet again and eventually they moved back in together and remarried.
Things didn’t change much for Shelia, she was still required to do choresbut now she had to take a back seat to her sister. Shelia was full of rage and bitterness. Shelia who was now 13, acted out. She started to skip school, drugging and drinking and hanging around with a much older crowd. Edgar and Harriet were at their wits end, nothing they did could change Shelia’s attitude toward them or life.
In a strange turn of events, Sunny returned to their lives, having seen Shelia’s aunt and she now wanted Shelia back in her life. Shelia’s aunt did what she thought was best and gave Shelia the phone number. At the time, Shelia had become very rebellious and uncontrollable. The family thought Sunny might be able to talk some sense into her daughter. When Shelia found out her real mom wanted to see her she was ecstatic. She called her mom and they met, Shelia decided she wanted to move in with her real mom. This enraged Edgar who packed most of Shelia’s things in garbage bags, drove Shelia to her aunts house and threw her out of the car in the pouring rain, telling her never to come back. This hurt Shelia terribly, as her dad was the only constant in her already chaotic life. Shelia took it like a grown up. She showed no emotion and moved in with Sunny. In a months time Shelia found out that its not always greener on the other side of the fence. Not only was she emotionally abused but the physical abuse soon followed. Shelia had no where to turn. She hated her natural mother and her dad wouldn’t take her back. Her aunt stepped in and let Shelia move in with her and her children. She even started proceedings to get custody of Shelia, so she could put her in school in an attempt to turn her life around. Her aunt quickly found out there was no turning back for Shelia. She started skipping school immediately, found the wrong crowd to hang out with and got arrested for shoplifting. Her aunt was furious, she had to take off of work and go to juvenile to get her out. She took Shelia back home and told her to stay in her room until she got back from work. Shelia not wanting to deal with the repercussions of her actions, went out the bedroom window. It was years before anyone heard from her again. When she resurfaced she was dancing in a strip club. Using a false ID, she started dancing at age 16. To this day Shelia still struggles with family relationships, finding it hard to give up the resentments of the past.
Jealous of her siblings and cousins, it seems Shelia lives each day trying to make other peoples lives miserable. With help, Shelia may be able to turn her life around but in order to do this she must admit she has a problem.
A Child's Fantasy
When I don’t fit in
Where do I go
On a spaceship to mars
A place with no woe
To a meadow with flowers
And light rain showers
To an island all mine
Where the sun always shines
And the peace is everlasting
No loud voices blasting
When the words are too hard to bear
I enter my box strong and square
Or under the bed as if unseen
My sense on edge becoming keen
Maybe a cloud will fluff me away
To a place where there are better days
Where the ones I love don’t hurt each other
Where my mom doesn’t beat up my brother
Where her voice is kindness not curses
A place where the family is not a bad circus
Made up of violent clowns
Only there to put me down
To tell me I’m nothing and insignificant
To take away all my innocence
A home where secrets abound
A family underground
In denial of dreadful acts
All of them keeping an appalling pact
I didn’t ask to be placed on this earth
To be berated and abused since birth
Trying to stay out of the line of fire
Leaving here is my one desire
The weapon now is on my lap
I know I can do it there’s no holding back
I have to save myself and society
Its truly the only way to be free
Is that me splattered on the wall
Now there is no hurt at all
God forgive me for I have sinned
Now the healing can begin
License to Kill
If you want to drive a car you need a license
You have to have a license to get married
You even need one to fish
But any girl or woman can have a baby
with no preparation at all
Women do drugs, drink and prostitute
when with child
Some women hide their pregnancy
Some never go to the doctor
There are no required classes
to show a child of 12 how to treat a baby
Babies have babies
Women without a clue have babies
To most a child is the most blessed event
To some it’s a curse
A baby is hard to handle
It cries, needs constant attention, has to be fed,
changed and above all loved
In some countries you are only allowed to have one child, if that child is not a boy you may try again
If that child is also a girl there is a good chance she
won’t be able to survive.
Its hard to understand why a woman has a baby
when she doesn’t want it
Babies are born with fetal alcohol syndrome,
addicted to crack and heroin, have low birth weight
from lack of prenatal care
Babies are thrown away, dropped off, hurt, maimed
and killed
Jails are filled with countless men and women that
have abused and misused their babies
Babies are left in dumpsters, on door steps and in hot cars
Babies are being killed by the very people they trust
the most, their parents
Babies are thrown away like a sock with a hole in it
Babies cry when they’re hurt
In its early years a baby is molded like clay
to become an adult
Some babies don’t make it that far
A baby was not meant to be thrown against a wall,
flushed down the toilet, burned, beaten, battered,
or starved
There is adoption and homes for single pregnant women.
There are families, friends and perfect strangers
to help a woman safely have a baby
There are options
There is a way out
There is hope
There is compassion
Get help
Gail Herrschaft has been a resident of Atlanta, Georgia for 28 years. Originally from New Jersey, Gail is a widow with 2 grown children and an 8 year old grandson. Dually Diagnosed, she has been living with HIV and Hepatitis C, since 1992. Gail is a recovering addict, alcoholic and lives with obsessive compulsive disorder (ocd), bi-polar disorder and post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd). Having spent 30 years of her life self-medicating with street drugs and alcohol, she did not realize she had a chemical imbalance signifying a mental disorder. Gail stays mentally healthy through therapy and psychiatry. She takes medication as prescribed and attends Mutual self-help support groups. Gail has been clean and sober for 7 years, realizing the only way to keep what she has by giving it away. Gail is a Certified Peer Specialist (CPS), a mentor and a role model for people in recovery.
If you have any questions or comments please contact Gail at:
I am the evidence
12-09-04
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WE DO RECOVER
