Poetry by De Adra Phillips
Thursday at 11:00a
1/4/07
Who is My Most Important Advocate?
“I am, I am” I answered loud and clear
I raised both hands through the air
I screamed and shouted for others to hear
“I can speak for myself” “my dear”
But when I can’t, my thoughts just race
Avoiding those who manage my case
I feel right bad, I admit in haste
I don’t move, just stay in place
Wonder why I lie there
Uncontrollably cry there
Continue to sob there
Paralyzed in fear there
I have a choice to reach out
To tell my manager what it’s about
I have a choice to make this night
So that I can be alright!
It’s my choice!
Which un-bearable scenario - Could drive me to my knees
Make it so real and scare-able - That I could hardly even breathe
Which deniable un-reliable - Set of triggers come to light
Find me thinking how I am shrinking - Hiding in the dark of night
Isolation proves nothing - When recovering from my ills
Lift the spirit, return to life - Warm me now from darkened chills
Reach in – Reach out - Grab a hold of hope so dear
Banish flight, banish relapse - Use my WRAP and calm my fears
Poems © De Adra Phillips
All Rights Reserved.
Change
That Rattles Cages
I lived with my love for quite a long time
He had me shackled, he had me boarded
Had me crazed out of my mind
He made me weep, he made me cry
He stole my life, I’m not sure why
He wore my smile from time to time
The cage begins to rattle
Not for me but for others within
Who were saddened, broken and maddened?
Whose head hung down, and then…?
Arise and meet me and dry my tears
Fixed what’s been broken, fix all my failures and fears
Silence the wailing and shut up the whimpers
Soften the sting of illness and death
Give me back my smiles and laughter
To trade the noise of guilt and shame for dance
The rattle of the cages scares me but,
Speaks to me a brand new “chance”
Our Hidden Shame
On this morning I looked into the mirror, as far and wide as I could see
It’s amazing what I saw, what was staring back at me?
Bags of pouches under eyes, which experienced more than pride
Saggy skin and flattened breast, bruised patches and crawling pest
The shame was crawling on the floor; the cry was ringing in my ear
Help me momma, catch my hand for I am slipping while gripping fear
I’ve been forced to lay here, take these med’s, I need to stay here
Lock this door; I tried to pray here, loose my life, I fear one day here
I’ve been forced to eat the grub, though my stomach bulged with pain
Weeping willows stone cold pillows, oh I wish that I were sane
Give me this, a shot of that, Lock my room and feed me’ fat
Groups for this and groups for that, Am I ever coming back?
I was here and it was crazy, I was sick and insanely labeled,
I was judged and misunderstood I’d kill myself or others if I could
I paced the halls with steady walking, to the rhythm of my talking
With angry shadows near and hawking,
Draining me and also stalking, and then…
I was abruptly told to leave, face the light while on my knees
Hide their intentions, for others to name
Grieved by the masses, our own hidden shame
Laughing at Me
Stepped outside my house that day - Thought I’d catch some sun
Lifted my arms to stretch each way - When I saw some one
Thought I’d say “hi” and “how do you do” - any maybe we both can chat
I said “hello”, and they said “who me?” - “where do you think you’re at?”
I looked real puzzled and then came the fear
“It’s just a question - “no worries” – “my dear”
I took a deep breath and said - I don’t need your money - I don’t need a thing
We are just neighbors, besides, “it’s spring?
They fell off the porch with loud laughter - laughter so loud it shook the trees
They said “he” ain’t right in the head - and I said “are they talking bout me?”
Not another group of people - who just don’t know, I’m just like them
With problems, concerns, and worries - and mental challenges to blend
It left me angry, sad and hurting -and feeling confused as I can be
All of us are humans, have thoughts and feelings, yet they sit and laugh at me!
It left me feeling like I was not normal - Like I had three heads and 4 feet
I bowed my head and closed my eyes
I too, will be soon laughing at me!
Hard Life
Dealing in darkness – running from myself
Hating all my failures – settin’ em up on a shelf
Ducking from prisoners – running from the guard
This damm life, sure is hard
Making love at night – Listening to us breathe
Try’na make it right – Too much to achieve
Children on the left side – needs to great to please
This damm life, is hard indeed
Ignorance ain’t an excuse – neither is laziness
Looking for handouts – anything I can get
No job, no pay – can’t eat today
Look at the mess of my life, I have made
Sucking on a glass pipe – drinking out a can
High highs, low lows – I’m just try’na make it, “man”
Sleeping in a dumpster – smelling like the trash
Something’s gotta give – I need some cash
Living in a cycle – from I don’t care – to I’ll make it right
Running from myself – ain’t a realistic flight
Coming to my senses – Seeking help where I can get it
Shootin’ crap, smokin’ dope, need some help, I must admit it
Hard Life II
Dealing with an illness– locked inside my head
Trying to get up – from this stone cold bed
Stumble to the bathroom – try’na take a piss
Going to group therapy, not exactly on my list
Thinking bout my failures – Listing over and over inside
Why can’t I do the right thing – why do I like to hide
Family thinks I am crazy – Likes to stay away
I don’t really care – I must be crazy anyway
Hearing all the voices – Swarming round my head
Looking for the people – some are living, some are dead
Living in the program – myself I must discover
Try’na’ understand what they mean – what is meant by the word “recover
They say I can – I think I can’t
They say I will – I think I won’t
They say I must – I say must not
They say I should– I say I will not
Living in a cycle – hope as hard to reach
Having lots of dreams – one is that I’d love to teach
Coming to my senses – mental illness got me down
Fulfill my dreams, reach my goals – keep supporters all around!
I Am Listening To Myself When
Sure, you heard my call… I called some time ago
First it was a whisper, then an out-right gasp, I know you ought to know
I laid there bleeding, gasping for air
I called and screamed, thought no one was there
I could not think for myself, nearly couldn’t breathe for myself
I heard you held me in your prayers
But I needed help; my hand couldn’t reach the door
I pull myself near, I dragged on the floor
The air was thick and cloudy and I could not make out the shapes
My mood was bland and lousy I could not make out your face
I balled up in the corner even with the dances round bout me
I heard the music and laughter and the conversations about me
Still I wonder if I were listening
Is this what it comes to, after all is said and done
Is this the final answer, is it how the game is won
Am I the star witness at this trial called “my life”
Am I going out like this, I asked, not once, but I asked twice
It can’t be, I must arise; I must get up and face my eyes
I must listen to myself, shock myself into surprise
I must know that I can listen and help myself if I need
I must show myself that I can make it, I myself can take heed
Still I wonder if I listen to myself
When I am sick and cannot make it in
When I am hungry or tired and cast down and when
Before I get too symptomatic and then…
I am learning to listen to myself, I really am!
