Growing up, I always imagined that everyone else was having a great time during the holidays, like you see on TV, while I was sitting at home alone being punished for some reason. The reality sucks but I was not the only one and it was not punishment. It was just the cards I was dealt at the time. In the last month, I have been dealt some of those cards again. Anger has been my best friend and has protected me from the fear and hurt of realizing the dysfunction all around me that has invaded my life for so long. I quit taking steps and tried to make a giant leap toward what I thought was the ultimate life, to come to a resting place that I thought life would give me. Life gives nothing unless you ask for it and then own it as your own. Fear has ruled me once again only to tie me in knots that I
struggle to free myself from. I’ve been angry at everyone and everything. Pitching temper tantrums and insisting it be my way. The shoulds have hung out with the anger and fear to confirm that they were right about what they were saying. There are no shoulds. Shoulds come with limitations as if they were blueprints. Only buildings come with blueprints, not human beings who feel, want, need and believe. Shoulds say- “You should have the perfect family like everyone else, you should not have pain and challenges in your life, you should be perfect (if you were sincere), you should not ever show weakness or fear, you should be more grateful, you should be able to handle everything, you should always be available to others emotionally, you should not ever get angry because anger means you have failed, anger means you are just like them, anger means you are out of control, anger means you are not in recovery and you shouldn’t be telling others what to do when you can’t even do things right for yourself”. The shoulds are liars. The shoulds will kill you. They will rip your heart apart. The shoulds will suffocate you. The shoulds are arrogant and controlling. The shoulds blind you to the world of wonderful colors, the possibilities, the maybes and the I cans. The shoulds isolate you and keep you from having gratitude for the things that have been most positive in your life. The shoulds make you restless and full of fear--fear of success, fear of failure, fear of rejection. The shoulds will rule you if you let them. Uniqueness, individuality and purpose are all swallowed by the shoulds. To hell with the shoulds, I WANT MY LIFE BACK AND I REFUSE TO LET THE SHOULDS WIN!
Should I or should I not,That is Not The Question!
by Brenda Johnson
