Over the past few years I have struggled with grief and loss. As a trained healthcare professional I began to research, read, write and ultimately test some of my theories and ideas regarding the accepted stages of grief. Even recent research has begun to examine our responses to loss; the trained have moved away from conventional views of grief, that is, that people move through an orderly and predictable series of responses to loss. Rather humans and animals alike experience wide variety of responses. In this article I would like to discuss grief, my identified stages of grief: shock; a rescuing phase; fear of the unknown; mourning or anguish; deep/ overwhelming sorrow; questioning/searching phase; inner awareness phase and then resolve/resolution and a myriad of coping tools. Refining life after loss is indeed complicated, so I hope these words are healing and helpful.
Grief by very nature is a compound response to loss. Although conventionally grief is the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, mental, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. Grief commonly occurs with the death of a loved one, but can also occur with loss, change or adversity. Losses can range from loss of employment, pets, status, a sense of safety, order, or possessions, to the loss of loved ones. Our responses to loss is varied and researchers have moved away from conventional views of grief (that is, that people move through an orderly and predictable series of responses to loss) to one that considers the wide variety of responses that are influenced by personality, family, culture, and spiritual and religious beliefs and practices. Severe reactions to loss may carry over into familial relations and cause trauma for children, spouses and any other family members: there is an increased risk of marital breakup following the death of a child, for example. Issues of personal faith and beliefs may also face challenge, as bereaved persons reassess life values in the face of grave pain. While many who grieve are able to work through their loss independently, accessing additional support from professionals trained in dealing with bereavement may aide the process of healing. Grief counseling, professional support groups, educational classes, individually led support groups and self help books on grieving are all excellent resources to dealing with grief or loss. It is in allowing ones self to process your emotions you regain, resolve, reinvent and restore your hopes.
As in the popular movie, City of Angels, the angel character says ‘People die’. To some degree that is true. People do die, and live on not as we see, but live on. People move beyond human existence, nothing is truly in our own power. God orchestras hope, life and love. Not as a puppet master, but much like a musical conductor. People die, life is born, bodies give out, dreams change, families move and feelings alter. And yet all the while, God’s grace and mercy shroud us in a quiet ever present comforting love.
Our human nature is to adapt, cope, rebound as resilient beings. A coping skill is a behavioral tool which may be used by anyone to deal with or conquer adversity, difficulties, disability or grief. Coping mechanisms or tools are defined as the skills used to reduce stress. In psychological terms, these are consciously used skills and defense mechanisms are their unconscious counterpart. Overuse of coping mechanisms (such as avoiding problems or working obsessively) and defense mechanisms (such as denial and projection) may exacerbate one's problem rather than remedy it.
There are two primary styles of coping with problems such as stress. Action-based coping and Emotion-based coping. Action-based coping involves actually dealing with a problem that is causing stress. Examples can include getting a second job in the face of financial difficulties, or studying to prepare for exams. Action-based coping is generally seen as superior to emotion-based coping, as it can directly reduce a source of bad stress. Examples of action-based coping include planning, suppression of competing activities, confrontation, self-control, and restraint.
Emotion-based coping skills reduce the symptoms of stress without addressing the source of the stress. Consuming alcohol, sleeping or discussing the stress with a friend are all emotion-based coping strategies. Other examples include denial, repression, wishful thinking, distraction, relaxation, reappraisal, and humor. There are both positive and negative coping strategies that can be defined as emotion-based. Emotion-based coping can be useful to reduce stress to a manageable level, enabling action-based coping, or when the source of stress can not be addressed directly. Harmful coping methods- Some coping methods are more like habits than skills, and can be harmful. Overused, they may actually worsen one's condition. Alcohol, cocaine and other drugs may provide temporary escape from one's problems, but, with use and abuse, ultimately result in greater problems. (http://www.wikipedia.org/)
For some this may seem, off base. But JOB in the bible experienced extreme grief. Yet with all his losses, he never lost faith. You see Job lost his wife, children, servants, cattle and land for a point. He experienced extreme loss, sorrow, and fear before he ever grieved his losses. But then there was eventually renewal. Job experienced grief, questioning, he sought answers, acceptance and then an awareness that God was with him. Job’s experiences are yet another example of how grief can consume yet at the same time produce healthy questioning.
Job experienced a multitude of emotions. After he had lost everything he ripped his clothes and sat in the ashes of his past. He experienced immense sorrow yet never questioned the wisdom of God. Then fear set in for a bit. As he grieved friends came to console and challenge his motives of grieving. Once again, friends that thought they were being helpful only produced more grief. And that occurs today, well meaning family or friends offer words of hope and encouragement, during a time when you need to just grieve and feel the emotions you are feeling. While still grieving, Job began to question without losing faith. He sought answers. And when he could find no resolution, he continued to seek God. Then he had an awareness. His faith, seeking and grieving all restored his soul.
The Apostle Paul wrote, “For God sometimes uses sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek eternal life. We should never regret his sending it. But the sorrow of man who is not a Christian is not the sorrow of true repentance and does not prevent eternal death” (II Corinthians 7:10). I have much decided that grief is like a quilt. Follow my logic for a moment, in the simplistic of terms. In life; we live, we laugh even learn; slowly keeping those portions of life that are fulfilling or happy; abandoning other things and it is through our individual makeup we choose what we hold onto. Those portions of life, living, that either mold us or challenge us are how we live. Memories form from every event, emotion or challenge. Much like how the patch in a quilt begins. As we abandon or shed events in our lives that either are unimportant or unusable, it still has the potential to affect our very thinking. Thus shed only in time to later be cut down to size as a patch in a quilt. In the olden days quilts were made of scraps from either material and or clothing no longer of use. Events we think have little or no meaning can effect us when someone dies. Thus quilt patches are cut, designs laid out and sewing begins. Many experts have attempted to categorize the meaning of death and grief. But it is only after one grieves, mourns, deals with the numbness of shock, experiences and works through anger, learns from their deep sorrow, allows themselves to question, experience an inner battle or valley, that inner awareness and potential acceptance can find rest. Rest, what we find underneath beautifully handcrafted quilts. Each patch containing a memory, creating a sense of rest once completed. Even the hardest, most unimaginable, have a place amongst the patches of memories. Quilts, much like grieving, offer warmth, solace, rest and time for reflection.
Whether a trained counselor, doctor, care taker, parent or loved one; you can never fully be prepared for death. Many experts and expert writings on grief come back to Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ identified stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. She even went so far as to express that ‘normal grief only involves two stages while complicated grief involves all five’. Some would even refer to this as the grief cycle. While still other experts state we may experience shock, denial, volatile emotional reactions, disorganization or despair, only to reach reorganization. Yet there is more to grief than what has been adopted. Observation of grief and death are one thing. Many of the experts seem to write of grief in categorized printable explanations. However it is in losing someone so close to you, that your very breath has been taken away or a portion of your soul dies. Belittle ones grief and you squash the very life that molded your being or personhood. I can assuredly say, the grief I have experienced in my life has been overwhelming, life changing and not followed any of those two particular patterns.
As I tried to make sense of my life without special loved ones, strangely enough I began to read a lot about grief. Then I was led to write. I wanted to preserve their values, love, hope and resilient lives. Much like they preserved fruits and vegetables for a time of need, I have strived to preserve and honor their life. The grief I have experienced with losing especially my Grandaddy and Granny forever changed my life path. I have tried finding all the words to describe my sorrow. There are not enough words in the English diction to encompass the hole in my heart, my spirit, my soul, and my life. But the other, trained counselor, side of me wants to make a simple stab. Now years later, I am growing from my grief and loss.
My Stages of grief
I know the accepted stages of death. I reread and examined Job’s life and path in the bible. Yet somewhere along the way, I declare my own stages. I will admit along the way I have experienced denial, anger and depression. However, it is not my belief that I ever experienced bargaining or acceptance. But what I rather experienced was the following: initially I felt shock, disbelief and devastation; a wall of consuming emotions. All of which I experience all at one time, when I first found out she was very sick and dieing, and then again after her passing. Those emotions sunk in immediately. However it turned into despair; an overwhelming Sorrow. Then a rescuing phase; an uncontrollable need to fix or blind effort erupts. A ’numb act of works’ to fix the situation. Whether it’s reading up on an illness, procedure, and treatments; in vain attempts to understand what is happening or uncover solutions. I have noticed after tragedies, people tend to ‘work’ to educate or make sense of the tragedy; possibly even rescue back their sanity from the insanity of a situation. Tears, sobbing and mourning flood in at any time. When you understand your mourning you realize you mourn what you will lose as well as mourn after the loss. Fear of the unknown, fear of never knowing trust and love like I had with Granny, but most of all, fear of being alone. Next is mourning or anguish; a natural hatred for death, antipathy for any further good. Anger can wind throughout your emotions. For me those emotions lasted a couple of years. The anger at the spirit of death, angry of my loss, and at times a blind unexplainable anger. Only to be followed by deep/overwhelming sorrow; a sorrow that engulfed everything and everyone around, unable to see any beauty. Some would even classify as depression, misery or continued sorrow. I attempted to function in everyday living but my heart was not into anything I pursued. Then the questioning/ searching phase; needing to find answers, value in death and grief. Characterized by deep loneliness, misery, joyless regret and deep longing to understand; that also lasted a few years. It is most likely in this phase, out of sheer desperation; I began to read about grief and death. I would not have bargained for Granny to be back, I just wanted understanding. Then the inner awareness phase: after time of questioning with likely answers, came an inner battle or warfare. Trying to make sense of my own life now without Granny. How would I go on, in whom would I place my confidantes, would my heart ever mend from the immense pain. Slowly I found solace in memories rather than pain. My overwhelming sorrow changed into an odd awareness mixed with constant sadness. I believe resolve/resolution is the final stage; moreover rechannelling of energies and refining life after loss. I dare say I did not experience bargaining nor full acceptance. You see acceptance by the very definition; refers to the experience of a situation without an intention for change. However resolution by definition; refers to the process of change; assimilating loss and redefining ones own life. Therefore the cycle of grief is more that of a resolution. I will never accept death however in processing life without loved ones, redefining my own existence; I am resolved that I will go on. Everyday remains a struggle to get out of bed, go to work, face challenges, complete daily tasks. And yet still, I am resolved to make them proud, to allow their legacies to live on in me. Death may have claimed their bodies, but their spirits live on in all who remember. My life is forever different, especially without my Grandaddy and Granny, but in living I keep them alive. Some days I have entertained life with them in heaven. All the more, my grief has been deep, has changed me and in some ways allowed me to see the world differently while slowing down to pay attention.
Sharing your own grief, memories and hopes gets you through the rough moments. Remember and rejoice in memories, any memories you are fortunate to have. Make amends with people; don’t think the high road to holding onto pain makes life any easier when that person is gone. And definitely say goodbyes. To this day I still do not know how I would say goodbye to Granny or even if I could. But in the whole scheme of grief, saying goodbyes allows heartfelt closure. Then, honor a loved one by random acts of kindness. Pay for dry cleaning of the customer behind you. Leave change on the counter for the next person. Give a gift in love, just because. I have found it is in; the little acts of love without recognition, that we do offer a sense of peace in times of trials, even the face of death. Having done for others and not taken makes a passing sweet. In moments of deepest despair when I could not imagine going on, God would put someone in my path that offered kindness or love. Whether a kind nurse in a nursing home I despised, an acquaintance, a not so close neighbor or even a friend of the lost loved one; each person offered me a renewed hope. As you are able and everyday there after I do encourage you to share stories. I find the more I share with others, the more they remember or more they realize how little they really knew. As I emerged yet still mourning, I have been able to help persons in my path that I could focus on, rather than dwell on my own loss. Now after much time has passed, the sorrow remains but the desire to help others understand and work through their own grief has taken over.
Coping with grief Ideas
Coping with grief or loss is about how you change, what you do differently with your time and life. COPING WITH GRIEF OR LOSS IDEAS: above all I encourage you or anyone to write. Write down memories, stories, antics, dreams, family pass times; write about each other and especially do so before a loved one passes. Immortalize your family history by spending quality time with family members that know the history. Make a memory pillow out of a favored piece of clothing or blanket. Share a cup of coffee, make a memory, get ice cream, invite a friend to have ice cream, call someone, share your time with others, volunteer, paint, draw, do crosswords. Do you know God, if not, pray repent and come to know Him as your personal Savior. A discouraged Christian, pray repent and seek God. Share your hurts with someone else, share love with someone less fortunate, put up wind chimes and listen to beautiful natural music, make homemade cookie dough and keep it in the refrigerator to munch on (it truly is awesome comfort food), share a story with a stranger, befriend a co-worker you know little about, take the time to learn something new, research a topic of interest in depth, become an expert on one issue or topic. If you can not sleep read or call someone and tell them you were thinking about them. Cook a new recipe, make an old recipe, play with a recipe adding new ingredients, try a new food you have never tasted, make bread for a neighbor, make a goodie package for a friend or relative you hardly get to see, cry out if you need too, learn to email and email often. Adopt a pet, sit and count stars, write a pen pal letter to a soldier, wear your pj’s all day long, take a bubble bath in the middle of the day, stay up late and watch a movie, sleep late one day. Learn about recycling and start, cut your grass, grow flowers, keep flowers in your home, write a love note to yourself or someone else, write a novel, Read Psalms 42 for comfort, write poetry, make homemade soap or potpourri, read a biography of someone’s life, take pictures distance and close up. Play in the sand like a kid, drink chocolate milk just before bedtime, swing on a swing, take a drive, build something, discover something new, walk or play in the rain. Study the veins of nature like leaves and flowers or bugs, take a walk, stretch breathe and drink in fresh air, stand in the sunshine, exercise, eat healthy, create a new healthy snack, discover the awesome flavor of raspberries, try a new perfume or cologne, catch up with old classmates. Reminisce over old family photos and laugh at your own baby pictures, dress up for the day, paint your finger nails, trim your own hair, study the features in your face a draw what you see, paint a mural or portrait, try a new hairstyle, bird watch and imitate bird songs, give everyone you see a hug for an entire day, write a song, redesign a pair of your jeans, get a massage, take a long walk on the beach, collect sea shells, start a small collection of something odd, learn to make homemade ice cream. Redecorate a room, repaint a room, learn how bee colonies are set up in flower arboretums or on farms for pollination, join Habitat for Humanity and build for others. Do crafts like your own t-shirt, help out a girl or boy scout troop, learn different types of relaxations, develop your own style of jokes, press flowers for framing, plant a garden or watch a sunset or sunrise all the way through. Coping is about dealing with your grief or loss. Some days your emotions are more overwhelming, that is when it is most important to have a coping tool box of things that help. Whatever you chose to do, allow it to heal your soul.
Hope
Charlie Chaplin once said, “ Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles.” Those of us left behind learn of the small acts of love our loved ones did while here on earth. Even in the face of unanswered questions, grief is our blanket. And yet in grief it is then we get glimpses of true nature, death, hope and survival. Too often it is in the loss through death we are reminded once again how interconnected we all are. Life is fragile, make the most of it because once it is gone there is no reframing. As famous writers state- Live simply and honestly, laugh daily, dance as though no one is watching, sing out loud and love deeply. Enjoy the good days and simply get through the bad ones. For tomorrow is surely to be another good day. Keep your eyes heavenward, hearts open for renewal, spirits receptive to healing and know that God understands your pain. Be well my friends and take in each day with all your breath and gusto. Live, love and laugh; hugs Heather.
